Love Idol by Jennifer Dukes Lee

I don't read self help books, far too aware that I can not help myself but must allow God to do with me as He wills.

Love Idol by Jennifer Dukes Lee is NOT a self help book, nor is it your typical Christian Life book. Jennifer's words are brave and hard as she stands before us and God in transparent honesty, revealing how deep the need for approval has buried roots. This could be my story. This could be your story. The problem is so universal that every reader will see themselves reflected, not always in a flattering light.

I must admit I am having difficulty working my way through Love Idol - because I am holding the book in one hand and a highlighting pen in the other. There isn't a page that isn't marked with bright colour.

Yes, the words are that good. That good indeed! I know I will return to this volume again and again. Reading it is almost like a prayer of repentance and surrender.

Lives are changing as idols are exposed, thrown aside and smashed to pieces.

To read more about the book and the Love Idol Movement that has been shining God's light, visit Jennifer's website here

To read the work this has stirred in me personally, read my blog posts:

Seeing the ugly idols

One True Voice

Journey

Not at all pretty


 

not at all pretty

I can't write this post 

with lyrical light

or pretty prose

what I'm looking at

is big, ugly

frightening in its depth

and power

it is need

roaring, aching

need to be seen, heard

recognized

it opened like a gaping hole

yesterday

and I stepped into it

eyes wide open

falling hard

fast and completely

most people know I have written a novel

I would like to see published

desire it so very much

that I allowed my ears 

and heart to be teased

tickled and tempted

by a dangling carrot

too sweet to be real

I nibbled, briefly

long enough to spin

and dance and sing

proclaiming my good fortune

to all who would hear

only by His grace

I sensed the gentle tug

of the Holy Spirit

through the fog

I was able to slam on the brakes

avoiding the train wreck

of contractual destruction

finances were not in danger

but the security and ownership

of my work may well have been at risk

today, on my knees

naked before Him

and you

I am licking wounds

offering my heart

for cleansing and repair

Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God. Psalm 42:11 Amplified




walking in transparent imperfection with Emily
 

One True Voice

Last week I got an early jump on the Love Idol Movement
all part of being pathologically early I suppose
as I pondered and prayed, I posted:

I continue to discover how deep
my need to gain approval
of my heart, my thoughts
my words
when I look honestly
I see myself
leaning too hard on comments
virtual pats on the back
blog followers, social networking ego kisses

The day after the post went live, I felt convicted to share the following confession on Facebook:

in attempt to continue to walk bold and naked before you, in transparency, I must admit how deep my idol has dug in -- I linked to my first love idol post yesterday -- and instead of trusting that the words shared are what He desired and leaving it there, I continue to check for views, likes, etc. This morning, when I saw that many have commented on other posts, yet no comments on mine, the arrows of the enemy flew fast.
And this on a post speaking to not needing approval of my words...

I simply felt that I had to come clean.  Confession felt good. Maybe I'll be able to get a handle on this thing. But then... Oh why is there always a but?

I found myself clicking back to see if anyone responded and reacted to the Facebook post.

My mind returns again and again to the same faulty reasoning:
I hear the voice of insecurity that says I am not okay
but I believe that if I can get you to approve of me I am okay
but there is never enough, the approval hunger is a bottomless well
the satisfaction drains away, cannot be stored, there is no filling

My people have committed a compound sin:
they've walked out on me, the fountain
Of fresh flowing waters, and then dug cisterns—
cisterns that leak, cisterns that are no better than sieves
Jeremiah 2:13 The Message

The working title of my novel is Redeeming Silence, the story of a young woman struggling to quiet lying voices in her heart and mind, learning to hear the One True Voice. This also is the journey I am on.

This morning, I asked the Lord to share, and ever faithful, I sensed Him say:

Again and again the voices come
Again and again you try to run
Run to Me where love waits
I Am your Approver
I Am your Rock
I Am your Silence

Take your peace

I am still praying through what steps I will take during this Lenten period to enable me to face the glory of Resurrection Sunday conformed more to His image.  One idea that has dropped into my spirit is that for every blog comment I receive, whether neutral, negative or positive I will read and meditate on a passage of scripture, leaning hard into His Word so freely given.

facing Love Idols with Jennifer
if you want to join us - start here










also walking with Emily in accepted imperfection

 

seeing the ugly idols

Bonnie asked us to share what we are learning about ourselves
at the same time Jennifer Dukes Lee is challenging us
to uncover and face our love idols then surrender them
during Lent and all the days that follow

it isn't easy to look at ugly
and particularly difficult
when the ugly is our own
fully rooted and thriving

I continue to discover how deep
my need to gain approval
of my heart, my thoughts
my words
when I look honestly
I see myself
leaning too hard on comments
virtual pats on the back
blog followers, social networking ego kisses

I think perhaps I write less than I could
or should, permitting fear
to block the flow

for if there is no output to be judged
I won't have to confront the possibility
that my words don't sing to the hearts of others
that my words have no weight, no power
no place to bear fruit

silly, that

for the words are not mine anyway
I have surrendered them
to Him, allowing Him to set the pace
the meter, message,
I am simply a pen
in His hand, the words
already pre-approved

I covet your prayers
as I take this time to soak in truth
allowing it to saturate my heart
silencing seductive lies
and together may we learn
how deep, how wide, how everlasting
is the love He lavishes freely upon us

And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:18 The Message




jamming with Bonnie
 

I was, I am Sara Jayne

Yesterday, in response to Emily's word prompt food I wrote about a young girl named Sara Jayne. Comments I received touched a place deep inside:

Kelly wrote:

i would love to scoop up that little Sara Jayne and whisper in her ear that she is lovely and loved. that she is not only her body, but that she can rise above all that her body holds her to by holding a firmer Hand. one that never lets go.
this is how to fly.

and Elizabeth said:

So so tender. I pray for healing for the spirit of this child and those who share this place of pain. Gently AND beautifully told. Thank you for calling to mind these places we go as humans of missing how much we are loved by him, right where we are. 

Yes, the words reached straight into my wounded soul and it astounds me how much shame I feel in admitting that though her name is fiction, her story is mine.

when there appeared to be no way out

caught in a vertiginous cycle of hating self

driven by hungers nothing could quench

grasping anything that might be approval

validation or love

He Was, He watched, He waited

There is a love that surpasses dreams

in His perfect timing

my eyes could see

and I fell breathless into His embrace

today I pray

don't let me wander far

or look for anything but Him

to satisfy the aching, reaching empty place

He designed to occupy with Himself

may I never lose this hunger

this wanting more of Him

 

Confessions of a reformed chameleon

Image found at 
http://facinatingamazinganimals.wordpress.com/2012/07/01/visits-from-a-chameleon-other-animals/ 

In my younger years I did not know who I was. I seemed to have no identity of my own. Convinced that I was in some way defective I sought the approval of others.  If someone, anyone, thought I was okay then maybe I was good enough after all.

For the sake of fitting in I could change my words and actions so fast that a chameleon would swoon with envy.  Certainly all the colours were beautiful, but it was exhausting trying to keep track of who I was with each person I knew.  I was terrified of having my friends together in one place and having to try to be just one me.  My life moved along in a blur, seeming unreal because I was not real.

Dictionary.com defines sincere as follows:

adjective, sin·cer·er, sin·cer·est.
1. free of deceit, hypocrisy, or falseness; earnest: a sincere apology.
2. genuine; real: a sincere effort to improve; a sincere friend.
3. pure; unmixed; unadulterated.
4. Obsolete . sound; unimpaired

How could I be genuine if I didn't even know who I was?

Then I met the One Who created me, Who had waited with exquisite patience for me to open my eyes and heart to Him.  No longer was I a defective mistake but instead a woman of grand design; chosen before time began, perfected by His Spirit in me.  In the years that followed He has continued to release me from the need of man's approval.  I am free to simply be.

Real. Genuine.  Free of deceit.  Pure, unadulterated me.  I am a living, breathing example of WYSIWYG what you see is what you get. Many are not sure what to do with me. Often bold, sometimes brash, seeking courage when fear sneaks in.  I will tell you what I think as my heart opens to pour out what I feel.

I expect the same from others.  Sadly, I am more than often disappointed.  I pray that all would step into the freedom I have found.

To breathe in, breathe out and be who you are.

Joining Peter and the rest talking about the word sincere

Approved

Just tell me that you love me, okay?
Just tell me that I make you happy.

Yes, I love you, good girl.
Can't you tell from the way I stroke you
or the way I scratch behind your ears?

The pleading eyes betray a questioning heart.

Are you sure I'm okay?
Have I done anything to displease you?
I mean I know you tell me over and over again
but.... but...
can you tell me again?
Do you love me?  Do you?

Yes, I love you.
How many times must I tell you?

I think I understand my dog so well because I ask the same questions. Yes, that is hard to admit. Even harder to admit is that while my head knows I need only the nod of my Master I still find myself seeking approval from others.  I look for a scratch behind the ears from my husband, a pat on the head from a friend, comments from blog readers.

And my Father weeps.  And the heart of my Savior breaks again.  And the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit cracks with disappointment.

Are We not enough?

Ouch!

With heart repentant I stand before Him, the One Who stamped my life with His blood, once for all time.

Approved.

Help me to remember Lord, as again you heal this fragile heart in ways that only You can.

Joining Peter and the gang as we share about the word approved.