red footprints

in 2007, the door swung wide

for us to first step into Uganda

onto Africa's red dirt, warned 

how profoundly we would be 

changed, and we were

it took seven years to return

not to Uganda, but Zambia 

and in Malawi, our hearts 

found home

our future, never certain

is solid as air, God's plans

always a mystery, our feet 

will soon leave the continent

but long the dust will linger

in our hearts

Many plans are in a man’s mind, 

but it is the Lord’s purpose for him that will stand.

Proverbs 19:21 Amplified

words from Father

I have been intentional about listening, with a growing urgency

knowing that His voice is what I am desperate for

we can not make a move without Him

If I have chosen you as My vessel

may I not use you as I will?

If you allow Me

you will be used 

in ways you never would have expected

Simply say "here I am Lord"

and you will be surprised at what I do

This will be new land

redeemed and restored

Cleansing may be painful

but the rewards are great

seeking liquescence

I know not why fingers

cling to what was never

meant for holding

frozen I pray

for fluidity, release

into liquescence

we are on the move

chasing vision

pliable in obedience

may God form, reform

these lives not ours

but His

in flux, spinning

my heart stills

in His hand

So I went to the potter’s house, 

and sure enough, the potter was there, working away at his wheel. 

Whenever the pot the potter was working on turned out badly, 

as sometimes happens when you are working with clay, 

the potter would simply start over and use the same clay to make another pot

Jeremiah 18:3-4 The Message

morning words

some early morning words from my Father

as I sat in silence this morning

it was never about you anyway

so what you can

or cannot do

matters not at all

it is only in the willingness

the sacrifice

the giving over

that I rule and reign

and have My way

worry not, little one

just remain close

heart open

I know you are broken

but also wholly Mine

that is what I use

psalm 38

psalm 38

it is a simple question

two words only

hardly a breath span

“may I?”

hardly a breath span

two words only

and my world stops

the request trembles

my heart bowing to holy fear

hardly a breath span

two words only

a simple answer

“use me”

psalm 17

psalm 17

my mouth orates heart

intentions spoken as 

truth, while the flesh kicks

screams, contends for itself

I consent to the breaking

but my humanness struggles

to pick up pieces

recreate in its own way

help me to surrender my Lord

my Master, the only One

let me be shattered, reconstructed

by Your hand alone

psalm 14

psalm 14

here again I am

not on my knees

this flesh too ripe for bruising

I ask your pardon if my position

appears rebellious, lacking piety

or poise, my spirit is bowed low

the part of me that cannot be seen

but You see, and You know

and I need not give a moment away

to fear of man’s disapproval 

here again am I

heart surrendered, not for show

for real

Here’s what I want you to do: 
Find a quiet, secluded place 
so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. 
Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. 
The focus will shift from you to God, 
and you will begin to sense his grace.
Matthew 6:6 The Message

psalm 11

psalm 11

to choose to walk surrendered

a laying down, giving over

day after day, moment by moment

this a precious, priceless, peculiar

path, a way contrary to the world

spirit rising as flesh descends

what earthy mind can reason it out?

this,  a radical, relational, remarkable

road, not by my choosing I tread

a continual dying gives way

to life

out of the cave

Morning quiet time with My Lord 
as I ponder stepping into something new and bold...

Ask of Me and I will show you 

things which you have not yet seen.

It is again and always about My plans

not the schemes of man

If I send you will I not equip you?

If the battle is not yours, 

the work is not yours either, but Mine

and I intend My work to prosper

Your part, as always, little one, is surrender

Surrender to My hand, My shaping, My pruning

even to My choice to promote you

Elijah could not remain in the cave

when that season was over

I called him out

So too with you, My child

so too with you

Call to Me and I will answer you 

and show you great and mighty things, 

fenced in and hidden, which you do not know

(do not distinguish and recognize, 

have knowledge of and understand)

Jeremiah 33:3 Amplified

 

time slips

As time slips through our fingers

more quickly than sand

it often feels like madness

in attempts to grasp

what we are learning 

is not ours to hold. 

It is not without limit

days, even hours are numbered.

This then, is why we have returned

to the people and the work God has ordained for us

to not waste what is precious and fleeting

I remain willing

to be willing

a tool in His hand

 

all of my nothing

Thursday morning gathering

at the widows centre

I spoke about surrender

women with challenges

looming large

unreachable, impossible

Esther, Mary, myself

and each one with me there

listening, nodding

acknowledging weakness 

we can do nothing

but that doesn't leave us

without hope

for our Father

looming large

can do as He wills

this is good news

my brain knows it

oh, but my heart

anxious, aching

wants what it wants

to feel in control

and able

return to step one

as often as necessary

arms flung wide

Lord, I can't...

I am the Vine; you are the branches. 

The one who remains in Me and I in him bears much fruit, 

for [otherwise] apart from Me [that is, cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing.

John 15:5 Amplified

 

keep listening

allowing Him to speak - early on His day

even as all days are His

in the quiet

keep listening

when it is difficult

to hear Me

may well be when I have

the most to say

just be, little one

just be

you are Mine, and I know

what I'm doing

I will direct, Am directing

your every step

breathe, surrender

go limp and be

like a marionette

allow the Master

to pull the strings

yes, you were trained

to believe it is wrong,

weak and foolish

to be a puppet

what better hand

should control your life?

in My time, in My way

for My glory

your life will accomplish

that which I desire

I Am, so relax

be and let Me Be

I am not calling you

to laziness, no, I tell you

there is work to do

but in My strength

and when our purposes collide?

when We work as one?

there is a release of great passion

and joy

keep listening

you know when you know

Come, you children, listen to me;

I will teach you to fear the Lord

 [with awe-inspired reverence and worship Him with obedience].

  Psalm 34:11 Amplified

 

flexible strength

In the quiet hours

the Lord shared His recipe

for flexibility---

My desire is that you would make much of Me

Am I not big enough to carry all that concerns you?

I carry you, all of you, large and small

I see - do not doubt my vision

As you surrender I can move you easily

according to My will

Think of the pasta you cooked yesterday

when it is raw it is hard, sharp, brittle

if you try in any way to change its shape

it snaps, shatters, breaks

but once submitted to the water

it softens in surrender

Yet in that same softness

it becomes unbreakable

Can you allow Me to do as I will?

beyond your tiny understanding

even when the waters are hot and painful?

Even when you fear you won't be able to breathe

in the abundance of heavy steam?

Breathe in Me

I Am always the safest place

even when I Am transforming you

Continue to bathe and soak in Me

lest you grow hard again

“And I will bring the third part through the fire,

 Refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested. 

They will call on My name, And I will listen and answer them; 

I will say, ‘They are My people,’ 

And they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’” 

Zechariah 13:9 Amplified

 

prodigal daughter

This is supposed to be quiet time, yet even with music pouring in through earphones there is the distraction of other noise.  It is a picture of the distraction I have felt in our relationship Lord, during a time when I should be closer to you than ever.  Help me to carve out time, to hold it sacred and not allow anything to take me from Your presence.

I am so sorry for losing my way.  I am left feeling like there is no solid ground – for it seems I have chosen not to stand on You and in You.  I have forfeited all the promises that come to those who dwell in your secret place. The vine has not moved but my branch has wandered.

I have been grumbling and complaining, focusing on what is negative instead of looking for Your hand.  I have been looking to the future and missing the moment at hand.

Commit your way to the Lord;

    trust in him and he will do this:

 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

    your vindication like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord

    and wait patiently for him

Psalm 37:5-7a NIV

The Lord makes firm the steps

    of the one who delights in him;

 though he may stumble, he will not fall,

    for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

Psalm 37:23-24 NIV

I know You are holding me Lord, it leaves me humbled and astounded.  Why would you have such patience with a wandering heart like mine? I am in Your hands, moment by moment brought back to the need to surrender, but there is still such struggle left in my flesh, trying to hold on to what I perceive as my rights, even as I know I have no rights.  It is all You and how can I rise up against You?  Forgive me, again and again and again Lord.

I am crawling back, Your prodigal daughter, longing for reconnection to the Vine, to drink deep, to be filled afresh with all that You Are as I pull the plug to drain away all that I am.  May I let go, allow my life to be poured out like a drink offering on no other altar but Yours.

You treat yourself harshly, little one.

Do not allow the voice of condemnation to crush you, 

for My love is sure, 

My voice soft as I sing over you to draw you home.  

I know you hear Me so I need not shout.

You are closer than you imagine 

and I hear your heart for it stills beats with Mine.  

Your peace is here.  

Your joy is here. 

 I Am here. 

 And here you are again.

 

opportunity knocked

no classes today

I was feeling useless

wasting time with nothing to do

though many were relishing free time

opportunity knocked

certainly not by circumstance

but design as we joined several others

riding via public transport

to the large city hospital

the wards were large

nothing close to privacy exists

I was almost embarrassed

to think of the richness

of our facilities at home

I gazed into eyes shining with pain

or fear, hollow above sunken cheeks

limbs stick like, lacking substance

we ministered side by side 

with the chaplains

encouraging new believers

praying for the sick

I helped one young man

who was sitting at his mother’s bedside

pray a prayer of surrender

to the Lord, releasing his old life

for new, reborn

angels were rejoicing today

we stopped for an ice cream cone

after the return trip home

the taste refreshing

but not nearly as sweet

as heaven’s salvation song

happy to be backed at Kelli's where the rhythms are all His

 

hopping free

there was

a sparrow hopping free

without doubt

or fear

taking in the morning light

and how much more

will He care 

for me?

in my weakness

who have I but my Lord?

as I lean broken

and weary

into arms willing

to carry me in love

I need not be able

no, I must be

nothing, that He

might be all

if there be any glory

in this dying

may it all be unto Him

here am I, Lord

use me as You will

the shattered pieces are Yours

as I am willing

to be willing

to be rebuilt

by Your hands

back resting with Snady

 

opening

hearts are cracking

opening fresh, wild

ready to draw in more

tears and smiles

mingle, how privileged

are we to watch

as God moves nations

Halfway into the Global Orientation Conference
we are surrounded by those much younger than us
the other night we sang Hosanna

I see a generation
rising up to take their place
with selfless faith

and I journalled:

Last night I sensed that You plan to use us as examples for the generation following us. How best can we do that Lord?

obedience and surrender
they will see your willing spirit
when you die to self with joy
they will see how you love
when you allow yourself
to be moved by the wind of My Spirit
they will learn how to dance with Me
step by step, breath by breath

quiet time

Our first quiet time of the OM Global Orientation Conference and I realized my cheeks were wet - I opened my journal to ask:

Why the tears Lord? Joy? Relief? Awe?

He didn't leave me to ponder long, but quickly answered.

All, little one.
And the tears are sweet to Me.
In the rush and go you have felt alone
our time alone disturbed
but I Was - I Am  - I Will Be
always with you
So now again
let Me be your centre.
I have pulled every string.
This is My orchestra
and the music shall play on.

Thank you for following, for singing along
even when you do not know the words
this is part of your lessons
ongoing lessons in surrender
and I accept your tears, your sacrifice.

As you bow low
it is easier for Me to lift you
why struggle to walk
when I can carry you
Then in My power
you stand, and move
and I breathe in and through you
for the glory of My Own Name.

You will say
what you cannot say
and you will do
more than you can do
because I Am
and I can
and the world will know

So welcome home child
ever in My care
take your comfort, peace and strength here
what ever felt lost shall be found
time has not been wasted

With each new sun
we have only just begun
like a feast set out before you
take each moment
consume
as you allow Me to have all of you
you allow yourself to take in all of Me

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe,  for our “God is a consuming fire.”
Hebrews 12:28-29 NIV


 

learn to learn

I know that

life will slow

time will come

and linger

and I will sit

with words, enveloped

snuggled in

but for just now

those moments

belong to all

I have surrendered

fighting for peace

steals my peace

as I learn to learn

to find stillness

in the rush

For everything there is a season,

    a time for every activity under heaven.

 A time to be born and a time to die.

    A time to plant and a time to harvest.

 A time to kill and a time to heal.

    A time to tear down and a time to build up.

 A time to cry and a time to laugh.

    A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

 A time to search and a time to quit searching.

    A time to keep and a time to throw away.

 A time to tear and a time to mend.

    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

 A time to love and a time to hate.

    A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NLT

 

reflection

The connections that arise in the scribblings I have been capturing on paper all seem to point to change, not quite knowing what is to come, but finding excitement in the giving in.

freedom and joy walk hand 

in hand with release

the letting go of 

the familiar, becoming

who you never imagined

and looking back, finding 

only scraps and ashes

what you fought so hard 

to hold was nothing 

at all

what a surprise to see 

who you become 

when you choose

to simply

be

yes, that is 

His light

shining back

in the mirror

continuing to learn through Making Manifest