12 March 2014

not at all pretty

I can't write this post 
with lyrical light
or pretty prose
what I'm looking at
is big, ugly
frightening in its depth
and power

it is need
roaring, aching
need to be seen, heard
recognized

it opened like a gaping hole
yesterday
and I stepped into it
eyes wide open
falling hard
fast and completely

most people know I have written a novel
I would like to see published
desire it so very much
that I allowed my ears 
and heart to be teased
tickled and tempted
by a dangling carrot
too sweet to be real

I nibbled, briefly
long enough to spin
and dance and sing
proclaiming my good fortune
to all who would hear

only by His grace
I sensed the gentle tug
of the Holy Spirit
through the fog
I was able to slam on the brakes
avoiding the train wreck
of contractual destruction

finances were not in danger
but the security and ownership
of my work may well have been at risk

today, on my knees
naked before Him
and you
I am licking wounds
offering my heart
for cleansing and repair

Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God. Psalm 42:11 Amplified




walking in transparent imperfection with Emily
 

8 comments:

Jody Lee Collins said...

oh, friend.....'who is the help of our countenance' indeed? Only God can bring the joy back and you are right--He is faithful. To love us and rescue us.
Thank you for pouring your heart out into words.

Denise said...

Bless you, praying for you.

nance.mdr said...

i vote for more
spinning
dancing
and singing...

nance.mdr said...

well
at least
some singing

elizabeth said...

I am so sorry this happened to you!

Elizabeth Dianne said...

Thank you for bearing your soul to us--I pray your wounds heal quickly and that God provides the perfect avenue for your book.

Sandra Heska King said...

I disagree. This is beautiful, naked, lyrical prose that is Snoopy spin worthy. I am sorry for the disappointment and proud that you sensed this was not the right time or place and slammed on the brakes. It's just a short detour. xoxo

Jennifer Dougan said...

Firefly,

I'm so sorry, but am thankful you are safe and your manuscript is safe. What happened? And don't feel embarrassed with us, we are just cheering you on from the side!

Jennifer Dougan
www.jenniferdougan.com

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