all part of being pathologically early I suppose
as I pondered and prayed, I posted:
I continue to discover how deepThe day after the post went live, I felt convicted to share the following confession on Facebook:
my need to gain approval
of my heart, my thoughts
when I look honestly
I see myself
leaning too hard on comments
virtual pats on the back
blog followers, social networking ego kisses
in attempt to continue to walk bold and naked before you, in transparency, I must admit how deep my idol has dug in -- I linked to my first love idol post yesterday -- and instead of trusting that the words shared are what He desired and leaving it there, I continue to check for views, likes, etc. This morning, when I saw that many have commented on other posts, yet no comments on mine, the arrows of the enemy flew fast.I simply felt that I had to come clean. Confession felt good. Maybe I'll be able to get a handle on this thing. But then... Oh why is there always a but?
And this on a post speaking to not needing approval of my words...
I found myself clicking back to see if anyone responded and reacted to the Facebook post.
My mind returns again and again to the same faulty reasoning:
I hear the voice of insecurity that says I am not okay
but I believe that if I can get you to approve of me I am okay
but there is never enough, the approval hunger is a bottomless well
the satisfaction drains away, cannot be stored, there is no filling
My people have committed a compound sin:
they've walked out on me, the fountain
Of fresh flowing waters, and then dug cisterns—
cisterns that leak, cisterns that are no better than sieves
Jeremiah 2:13 The Message
The working title of my novel is Redeeming Silence, the story of a young woman struggling to quiet lying voices in her heart and mind, learning to hear the One True Voice. This also is the journey I am on.
This morning, I asked the Lord to share, and ever faithful, I sensed Him say:
Again and again the voices come
Again and again you try to run
Run to Me where love waits
I Am your Approver
I Am your Rock
I Am your Silence
Take your peaceI am still praying through what steps I will take during this Lenten period to enable me to face the glory of Resurrection Sunday conformed more to His image. One idea that has dropped into my spirit is that for every blog comment I receive, whether neutral, negative or positive I will read and meditate on a passage of scripture, leaning hard into His Word so freely given.
if you want to join us - start here
also walking with Emily in accepted imperfection