05 March 2014

One True Voice

Last week I got an early jump on the Love Idol Movement
all part of being pathologically early I suppose
as I pondered and prayed, I posted:
I continue to discover how deep
my need to gain approval
of my heart, my thoughts
my words
when I look honestly
I see myself
leaning too hard on comments
virtual pats on the back
blog followers, social networking ego kisses
The day after the post went live, I felt convicted to share the following confession on Facebook:
in attempt to continue to walk bold and naked before you, in transparency, I must admit how deep my idol has dug in -- I linked to my first love idol post yesterday -- and instead of trusting that the words shared are what He desired and leaving it there, I continue to check for views, likes, etc. This morning, when I saw that many have commented on other posts, yet no comments on mine, the arrows of the enemy flew fast.
And this on a post speaking to not needing approval of my words...
I simply felt that I had to come clean.  Confession felt good. Maybe I'll be able to get a handle on this thing. But then... Oh why is there always a but?

I found myself clicking back to see if anyone responded and reacted to the Facebook post.

My mind returns again and again to the same faulty reasoning:
I hear the voice of insecurity that says I am not okay
but I believe that if I can get you to approve of me I am okay
but there is never enough, the approval hunger is a bottomless well
the satisfaction drains away, cannot be stored, there is no filling

My people have committed a compound sin:
they've walked out on me, the fountain
Of fresh flowing waters, and then dug cisterns—
cisterns that leak, cisterns that are no better than sieves
Jeremiah 2:13 The Message

The working title of my novel is Redeeming Silence, the story of a young woman struggling to quiet lying voices in her heart and mind, learning to hear the One True Voice. This also is the journey I am on.

This morning, I asked the Lord to share, and ever faithful, I sensed Him say:
Again and again the voices come
Again and again you try to run
Run to Me where love waits
I Am your Approver
I Am your Rock
I Am your Silence
Take your peace
I am still praying through what steps I will take during this Lenten period to enable me to face the glory of Resurrection Sunday conformed more to His image.  One idea that has dropped into my spirit is that for every blog comment I receive, whether neutral, negative or positive I will read and meditate on a passage of scripture, leaning hard into His Word so freely given.

facing Love Idols with Jennifer
if you want to join us - start here

also walking with Emily in accepted imperfection



Unknown said...

hey friend, im glad we're on this God-journey together, trying to turn our insecurities right side up, dashing our idols against the rugged cross and walk away. Im glad were a family here able to lean on each other, on God as He reclaims our hearts preapproved in HIm.

Amy Breitmann said...

Oh....to "take your peace." I love this post and your heart~ always so authentic, Karin. I picture God offering us peace and us wandering around looking for it elsewhere. It really is about accepting it, isn't it? I'm so honored to walk this Lenten path with you, sweet sister in Christ. Your heart is beating strong for HIM right now, right here and it's a beautiful thing.

Anonymous said...

Karin, I too, thought I had unearthed all that I needed to in order to continue on in this Lenten journey. However, this morning in my quiet time, the Lord revealed yet ANOTHER lie...another idol, more insidious than the rest.
I pray you find rest from the need for approval and that the Lord reveals practical ways in which to gain your freedom. It's a process.
Thank you for writing with transparency.

Lelia Chealey said...

Just beautiful my friend. This journey will not be easy for any of us, but full of worth.

Joy Lenton said...

Karin, you lay your soul bare and we see beauty in the offering. A heart trembling at its deceitfulness and humbly sharing all in a public venue is an awesome thing indeed! We are honoured to be walking this path with you, my friend.
God knows your need of peace above all. May He give you renewed grace as you learn to rest in Him rather than in the approval of others this Lenten season.

Jennifer @ JenniferDukesLee.com said...

I love your beautiful heart. And you know what else I love? That I can "hear" your voice when I read your words now. I'm so glad that I've had the privilege of getting to know, face-to-face. You shine for the Lord, my friend.

diana said...

Karin! That very last phrase?? "TAKE your peace?" Man, that speaks right into the grimy place where I am right now. The peace is a promise, ours for the taking. Wow. Praying that both of us will take what is ours, for the free and lovely gift that it is. Thanks for these words.

elizabeth said...

This post grabbed my heart so. I just want to give you a hug, look you straight in the eye, and assure you of your great worth in God's eyes. And here in this online world, you are such a blessing and encouragement to others!

Denise said...

You are so precious, bless you.

Lisa notes... said...

"being pathologically early" - my father would love that. :) He drilled in us to be 15 minutes early and consider that as "on time."

I want to break free from my desire for "ego kisses" (that phrase makes me think of Judas and his betraying kiss). It is a bottomless well that can't satisfy. Thank you for your honesty; I know many of us can relate and want redemption. I love your idea of reading a scripture for each comment you read...

Dolly@Soulstops said...

Oh, Karin,
"ego kisses"...oh, my...I can so relate...it is not a one time journey, the laying down of this idol, but a process of being so filled with Him (Eph. 6:19)...so appreciate you and your honesty :)