Flashback Friday - In the Mirror

This is a poem I wrote in the first year of knowing Jesus as my Lord. I post it today as part of Flashback Friday currently hosted by Erin at Together for Good while Jo takes a break and also in response to Lisa-Jo The Gypsy Mama as she asked what we see when we look in the mirror.

I'm not sure
what to look for
in the mirror anymore

Once a mosaic
of the stories
only years can build
history
written in my eyes

Now wiped clean
by tears
that flow
with joy and wonder
leaving a glow

A mark of peace
A seal of love

Let my face serve
as a road-map
that leads
to the doorway
of my Lord

so those who see me
might find Him

Come join in at Together for Good and add your own flashback.

Check out The Gypsy Mama too, she always brings light and encouragement.

Flashback Friday - Shoreline sunrise

Image by eszter via Flickr

Jo gave us an open theme this week, as long as we went back in time a bit. Here I go way back to a time when I didn't know that what I needed was Jesus. I am thankful beyond words that He knew all along.

In the pre-dawn silence I walked along the water's edge, shoes in my hand, feeling the soft lapping of the waves upon my feet. The cold was a welcome contrast against the heavy stillness of the air. Time seemed frozen there, on the empty beach as I waited for the morning sun to arise. My eyes had grown accustomed to the lack of light, so that as slivers of orange and red and gold began to break above the surface of the water I had to squint against the brightness.

Stepping a few paces back from the water, I sat in the sand, watching the colourful display unfold. Another morning was beginning, like the day before, and the next, an endless progression of days that seemed to hold no meaning.

“Things fall apart, the centre does not hold” I remembered reading somewhere, and the words fit the pattern of my thoughts. The thoughts of a teenager that indeed was prone to over dramatize, to try to fit my life into a poetry of sorts.

My eyes were dry and scratchy, the lack of rest cracking in the corners. One night? Two? More? I couldn't remember the last time I felt the peace of sleep and so wanted to be overcome.

I had come here alone to walk the shore, to wonder at the beauty, to find something I didn't know I was missing without knowing what that something was. There is no treasure map to follow when you don't know what you're looking for. My hands dug deep in the sand around where I sat, the grit of it caking under fingernails, not chewed but picked at, leaving them sharp, short and uneven. Sand sifted through hands that felt they could hold nothing and a heart that was learning not to try.

Then I spotted it, just an arms reach away, something catching the light in the sand; a small piece of glass, worn smooth around the edges, a milky opaque green created by water, and sand and time. I placed in the pocket of my jeans, rubbing it between my fingers and returned to treading along the beach.

And all at once, there was the day, stretching out before me as I wondered, “what next?”

I was too young to have no purpose, no goals, nothing to aim at. No course was set. No wonder time seem to stretch out endlessly, no scheduled separated the hours.

“I have nowhere to go and no one to be” I thought. “Did I ever have a plan?”

At fourteen I paced the shoreline and tried to remember dreams.

Stop over at Mylestones and share your flashback.

The "What If?" Challenge

Image by laurakgibbs via Flickr

Last week, the Faith Barista, Bonnie Gray asked me to particpate in her "What If" Challenge.

I responded with the following list of five what ifs :

What if I believed God truly is for me and not against me?
What would I do knowing He would move all of heaven and earth to accomplish His work through me?
What if I really wrote that book?
What if I finally learned how to organize my time effectively?
What if I forgave every person who I ever felt hurt by?

Bonnie asked us to post today on how we met the challenge and link back to her.

I must admit I'm not sure that I've made much progress this week toward making these a reality.

I have meditated on the power God has to work all things for good, which touches on what if I believed God truly is for me and not against me and what would I do knowing He would move all of heaven and earth to accomplish His work through me?

I posted another excerpt from my NaNoWriMo Challenge work for last week’s Flashback Friday, so that counts as progress on what if I really wrote that book?

I haven’t even started on what if I finally learned how to organize my time effectively? I’m too disorganized to begin, I suppose.

The need to forgive has been following me, knocking around in my heart and spirit. The Holy Spirit is gentle yet persistent, convicting me that what if I forgave every person who I ever felt hurt by is a challenge I must meet.

As I pondered and mediated this week, I sat down with my journal and my Lord, and this is what Jesus had to say:

I am holding your broken heart. Even as you extend it to others, it remains in My hands. I know when you hurt, little one, but I am the One Who calls you to love. Your heart cracks, then grows as it heals. The bigger the heart, the more pain it can feel.

No, I didn’t create you for misery, child, but to feel a portion of what I feel. You have a heart in training, learning to love against all odds, those who do not return love, and those who seem most unlovable. When that heart bleeds, not for itself, but only for the pain of others, its lessons will have been well learned.

You have asked Me to use you. And I do, and I will. But as you surrender, it is not your choice of use, but Mine.

Does the clay tell the potter what form it should take? So too must you allow Me to craft a vessel suited to My purposes. As I broke for you, you also, little one, will break for Me.

Then help me to know Lord when the pain I carry is not my own, that I might bear it well.

Keep looking and listening to Me. Other voices swirl about like winds and create confusion. My voice is Truth and Light and brings you revelation and wisdom. Voices that bring darkness are not Mine.

We will open each room in your heart to discover those things that do not belong there. Some were indeed proper for a season; others were never supposed to be stored there at all. I already know what your heart holds, child. Now it is time for you to see as well.

I see netting around my heart, almost as if it’s there to keep my heart from falling apart, but it also stops it from growing. Have I used this net to protect myself?

Indeed, like a safety net – old patterns and beliefs, that you think will help you if you fall. Only I can catch you, little one, and I will.

Nets can be cast off. Chains can be broken. Walls can come down. Your heart is in My hands.

Flashback Friday - Forgetting

This week Jo gave us this prompt:

"Let's just run with the theme of FORGETFULNESS. Write about a time when you forgot something or someone. Or write about an experience or person that was UNFORGETTABLE."

I have to take a deep breath, dive in, and trust you won't laugh so hard and so long that I'll never be able to show my face again. But since I know that God despises the proud I submit my tale in humility.

We had recently moved from Rick's home town to a much smaller town about 30 minutes away. He was settling in at his new job and I had quit my work as a cashier at Safeway Foods to work as a cook/waitress at a local diner. Rick would leave to walk to work at 7:30 and I would usually find things to do around the house until it was late enough that I'd have to drive the few short blocks to make it in on time before the breakfast customers started arriving.

On one particularly clear day I decided I would walk, so I made sure I gave myself lots of time. I was enjoying the feel of the warm air and the opportunity to observe the state of everyone else's vegetable gardens as I passed by. Much nicer than driving, I thought, and made a mental note to do this more often.

I actually arrived with much time to spare, so the owner suggested we sit and chat over a cup of coffee or two. I poured us each a cup and brought them to the table. I sat and lifted the cup to my mouth... and... by the grace of God alone, before I parted my lips I realized that I had left home without wearing my false teeth. Now I'm not talking about a tooth or two here and there.. but a full denture on the top and a partial bottom plate that filled in for all but 3 remaining real teeth.

My hand went to my mouth immediately and turning my head I muttered about having to run back home for a minute, promising to be back before my shift was due to start. Instead of a leisurely cup of coffee, I power walked back to the house, mouth shut, fixed my teeth in place and drove back. Not quite the best way to start what had seemed to be a good day.

Now, when you stop chuckling, go visit Jo at Mylestones and add your own Flashback Friday

Flashback Friday - Remembering a sad song

This week on Flashback Friday Jo asks us to offer a musical memory. The following song was popular during my junior high school years and fits right in with today's earlier post Rejection Revisited. The pitiful, overly dramatic lyrics helped many a pre-teen wallow in emotion.

Love Is Blue by Paul Mauriat

Blue, blue, my world is blue
Blue is my world now I'm without you
Gray, gray, my life is gray
Cold is my heart since you went away

Red, red, my eyes are red
Crying for you alone in my bed
Green, green, my jealous heart
I doubted you and now we're apart

When we met how the bright sun shone
Then love died, now the rainbow is gone

Black, black, the nights I've known
Longing for you so lost and alone

Stop by at Mylestones and add a musical memory of your own!

Flashback Friday - The love story continues

Image by chrissuderman via Flickr

It was a 3-1/2 hour ride from Winnipeg to Rick’s home town. We talked and laughed as if we had known each other all our lives and were continuing a conversation where we had left off. There was a comfort and familiarity between us that surprised us both.

Rick told me a story about his coworker trying to convince him that I was probably some weirdo who had undergone a sex change. While he was laughing, I turned to him, with quite suddenly a very serious look on my face.

“Oh rats! Now you know! I was hoping to keep it a secret.” I said sternly, but I couldn't maintain the serious expression and started to giggle, then chuckle, then laugh heartily.

“I'll have to check it out for myself then” Rick snickered.

“Not until we're married” I warned, wagging my finger at him “And by then it will be too late.”

The laughter felt wonderful, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Joy filled the car. With the joy came the peace that only God could provide.

Every time Rick had to pause at a stop light he would lean over to kiss me. There was a new kind of thrill that moved through my blood, different than any man had caused before. If someone had asked me to describe it, I would not have had words. I simply knew that this was stronger, deeper, more right than any touch from my past.

Once we got away from the city, the highway narrowed to one lane each direction. There was very little traffic. It was unusually warm for so early in May as if God had shifted weather patterns to make for an enjoyable day of traveling. Rick named off the towns as we moved through them, and I watched the unfamiliar landscape passing outside the open window. There was mile upon mile upon endless mile of open fields. Farmers, using various kinds of large equipment that I did not yet know the names of, were busy preparing the ground for the coming season of planting. Barns, and old farm houses and grain storage bins reached out into the fields.

“There's nothing but land” I exclaimed. “Land extending out forever no matter where I look. It's unbelievable.”

“Yep” Rick nodded, smiling. “I'd expect that reaction from a city girl.”

There was space, blue sky, bright sun and fresh air. I inhaled deeply and let everything inside myself settle. “I'm here” I thought silently “here where you've sent me Lord.”

We were getting closer to his home town, approaching a lake that he wanted me to see. Rick asked if it would make me nervous if he pulled off onto a side road.

“Well, if you're going to kill me now, have at it” I laughed. “I've trusted you and come this far, why stop now.”

He slowed and pulled the car to a stop, parking near the driveway of a beautiful home.

“If we go to the beach from here we don't have to pay to get in and park” he said, taking hold of my hand, and we started walking.

It felt good to be out of the car and stretch. I noticed that we walked in the same rhythm, legs moving in unison. We were walking on a well trodden path through bushes and trees. Rick stopped frequently to pull me into his embrace and kiss me with all the passion that had been building up over the past weeks.

“Wow! I guess I hadn't needed to worry about chemistry” I said, my knees weakening at his touch.

When we emerged from the path onto the beach I erupted with delight.

“Did I ever tell you how much I've always loved the water?”

“I don't believe you did” Rick replied, shaking his head. “There's lots of things we have to learn about each other, and we'll have lots of time to learn them.”

Jo is our host and asked us to remember love this week. Come join us at Mylestones and share a flashback of your own.