dear frightened one

Dear younger self, 

frightened one:

You have come to a place 

where you can no longer deny 

the reality of the Lord's presence

how He had been calling and calling you 

and your closed ears would not hear.

You are ready to open your heart

to give Him room.

You have made a choice, a decision.

Those who have helped you along the way 

suggest you will soon become a mouthpiece for Him.

This is where the fear settles.  

You want to keep this private.

You respond with stubborn anger.

I don't want to be a ($@^#$* minister.

No one will make me talk about this.

Your fists are clenched

holding tight to your emotions.

You are not ready to see what I see now.

You can't see the fire that will settle 

deep in your bones and move your tongue

to not only speak

but shout, declare, sing His praise.

You can't see how the future spreads 

wide over years of learning to surrender.

But in time your eyes will open.

You will be where I am know

planning to travel to the other end of the world

to share His story, His wonder, His glory.

writing a letter to my self with Velvet Ashes








and joining Lisa-Jo where the word is see







 

fight

I saw a plaque at the local bargain store a few years ago

Don't go to bed mad, stay up and fight

and even as I laughed my spirit jumped in agreement

but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry 

Ephesians 4:26 The Message

When my insides are churning

with hurt or confusion or frustration

I have to find a way of letting go

putting in a cork and trying to ignore or forget

serves no good purpose

emotions run like fire

or ice, finding a path of their own

better a slow release

than a spill under pressure

my beloved dislikes confrontation

so we dance about the need to fight

but we are learning as we grow together

that the dawn glows brighter

after the peaceful sleep that only comes

when things have been set right

so be fair, be kind

but fight

love is worth it

linking up with Lisa-Jo where the word is fight

 

the corner tree

when I try to catch the changing light

or the wind in photos

the variable texture of life here

the tree on the corner is there

posing, announcing home

there, where the road curves

where we begin to leave our land

it stands 

sunrise to sunset

almost, but not quite hidden 

in fog

branches waving goodbye as we go

and welcoming us as we return

not very large

or particularly beautiful

but familiar

the day is coming

when we will take that curve

a final time

moving toward trees of a different sort

baobabs, palm, African teak

and I will be grateful

for photo memories

digital eternity

I'm linking to Lisa-Jo to talk about the word tree

 

truth in weather

morning dawned remarkable

fuchsia streaking light

soon the sky was littered with flurries

did one option better display His glory

simply because I preferred it?

would I deny the truth

of His creation, His control

as the weather shifts

in ways not to my liking?

the rain is His

as much as the sun

the brittle winds

blowing at His command

the ground is covered white

yet there is beauty here

 

joining Lisa-Jo talking about truth

 

surrendering alone

I was single for the first 43 years of my life

I did things my own way

in my own time

no need to consult someone else

toss, tussle and compromise

then I met my Lord

and He led me to my beloved husband

and I began the process of surrendering alone

to learn what it meant to live together

with God's love and grace

we melded into the one

that means husband and wife

together

as a couple

we do things our own way

in our own time

no need to consult anyone else

toss, tussle and compromise

until now....

we have to surrender our alone

for a new way of living together with others

we couldn't be more excited

or terrified

surrendered into His hands and plans

please take a moment to read the big news

Day 25 of 31 Days of Surrender

linking with Lisa-Jo talking about together
 

surrendering ordinary

I have a history

(as do we all, I believe)

of feeling different

of standing out, being called out

for one reason

or another

too fat

too smart

too bold

even for a time too American 

here in Canada

and my wounds would cry out

can't I just be ordinary

fade out

blend in

but there is a higher call

to be separated

set apart by Him

I am His

and He asks me

day by day

sometimes moment 

by moment

will you surrender ordinary

for the sake of My glory?

Day 11 of 31 Days of Surrender










and linking with Lisa-Jo where we're writing about ordinary

mercy for all

is that a cross in the clouds or Jesus with arms extended to us all?

you're gonna get what you give

seems I heard that over and over during my growing years

(as if growing ever ceases)

if you want to have a friend, be a friend

do unto others

love your neighbor

some lessons have been harder to learn

forgiveness, grace

can I proclaim judgement on others

while expecting mercy for myself?

dare I shout out for punishment for the sins of another

while clothing myself in the truth of His goodness 

while His mercy washes over me?

He Is mercy.  He Is grace.  He is love.

for the least of us

for all of us

every.single.one.

 

talking about mercy with Lisa-Jo

check out what the women of (in)courage are up to in Kenya here

 

chosen first

It isn't that I needed to be first

waiting to be chosen for teams, projects, friendships

I always recognized that there were others who were

smarter

prettier

more agile 

with talents I would never possess

I didn't have to be number one

so I would wait

not even knowing I was holding all that expectation

like air I wasn't breathing

its okay to not be first

but please, oh please

don't let me be last

the worst of the worst

the icon, the idol of ridicule

the one forced upon 

unwanted

just let me be in the middle somewhere

not sticking out like a untold joke

as another school year resumes

take a moment to remember those days

pray for the unwelcome

for the bullied

and the brutal

may they know

they are each and all
chosen first

in the eyes of Him Who created us all

linking with Lisa-Jo today where the word is last

 

nothing too small

we have had dreams, my husband and I

that God would choose to work through our lives

that we would be blessed to be a part of seeing His Kingdom come

here on earth as it is in heaven

we have had dreams both vast in scope

and detailed in tiny ways

we have walked through seasons of learning to surrender

and trust and leave the small things in His hands

for the good of the great

but God, as only God can

weaves the small into the big

we have had dreams, my husband and I

that are budding now 

ready to burst forth

I will explain more

 as soon as I can

God can do anything, you know—

far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! 

He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, 

his Spirit deeply and gently within us. 

Ephesans 3:20 The Message

joining Lisa-Jo where we're writing about small
 

loneliness or solitude

I remember when everywhere I looked

concrete, cars, houses and apartments

filled my vision

people seemed to be everywhere

noise, constant conversation

it was often impossible to be alone

yet the loneliness of the crowd

cut deep

now my eyes see trees, fields, open sky

not another home visible

unless I use binoculars

life runs to a slower rhythm

quiet, few phone calls

I can go for days seeing only my husband

a steady diet of time alone

and the fullness of that solitude

nourishes deeper still

joining Lisa-Jo spurred by the word lonely

 

I am His

My heart beat heavy and stiff this morning

I left an online message for a friend

Once again I ask for prayers that the feeling of being left out of the loop would flee. I know nothing in this world is about "me" anyway.  At times I feel connected and that I actually belong with the group of writers and poets that gather here in cyber space - and then God reminds me that I belong only to Him.

I did not know the word for today is belong

but I'm certain that He did!

He has called to me 

in the night seasons

in the brightness of day

on the breath defying heights

and in the valleys of despair

until I cry out my desperation

and He answers

Here Am I

when I strive to belong

to anything or anyone else

I lose sight of Him

and cannot find solid ground

and yes, perhaps He allows the loss of balance

the teetering

knowing I will fall

into His arms

linking up at Lisa-Jo's where the word today is belong

 

Right here, right now

there is much I have left behind

shaken off like an extra layer of clothing

useless and heavy in the heat

I don't spend much time 

looking back

pressing forward, ever forward

like Paul urged us

Beloved, I do not consider that I have made it my own; 

but this one thing I do: 

forgetting what lies behind 

and straining forward to what lies ahead, 

I press on toward the goal 

for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus 

Philippians 3:13-14 RSV

yet that forward thrust

leaves me missing this moment

right here, right now

the gift of the present

a breath inhaled

then gone

we have answered God's call

agreeing as one

here we are Lord, send us

paperwork completed

we pray, we wait

attempts to silence the questions

fall short

as my mind grinds on

where? when?

feeling like those who wait for a child to adopt

checking email, again and again and yes, again

maybe the phone will ring

or something at the post office...

and today slips away again into yesterday

left behind

joining Lisa-Jo where the prompt is present

 

A wonderful imagining

My riding mower has been returned

repaired and ready to ride

but it has been too wet to attempt cutting.

This is the scene from my back door

not really grass

but weeds.

Yet I can imagine.  

Indeed I can imagine.

Not quack grass and plantains

but lush spread of Kentucky blue

thick and cool between my toes.

Not weeds, no

but delicate, precious golden flowers

the finest dandelions in the province

the envy of everyone for miles around.

Until the ground is dry enough

 to let the mower blades remove it all.  

Just for a moment.  

Just for today.   

Imagine.

 

linking up at Lisa-Jo's where the word today is imagine

 

View from my heart

April began cold and snowy, clouds covered the sun.  As the days moved through, mom passed from life to death.  And the snow fell again.

There were acts of terrorism, lives lost in Boston, explosions in Texas.  One thing flowed into the next.

And I thought like Job, I will yet praise Him.

Ice blew in on the lake and devastated summer cottages and year round homes.  The breath taking power of nature on display.

Nature roared again, in tornado winds that took lives and changed lives forever in Oklahoma. I wondered why I was growing numb.

In these parts there have been horrific highway encounters between cars and semis, more loss, more devastation.  Yesterday, in town, the roads were blocked by fire trucks, ambulances and police cars, the scene shrouded with cloths and my heart cracked to let the tears flow.

The view from here is jagged, hard, dark and sharp.  Life does not appear to be  a safe place.

But still my heart sees colour, bright, pure, shining.  Because He never changes, and His truth is more real than what I see.  I will grab hold of that in the centre of these clouds.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8 NIV

joining Lisa-Jo talking about view

and abiding with Cheryl

 

Just jump

What a delight to find once again the Lord has gone ahead of me.  I had no clue what today's Five Minute Friday prompt would be, but I'm sure He did.

The phone jarred me from sleep a few minutes after five this morning.  Mom was calling from the emergency room again.  The rehab facility had sent her by ambulance.  I was not surprised but not happy with the news.

I settled back beneath the blankets where Rick quickly wrapped his arms around me, drawing me close, asking for information.

Since I knew I would not fall easily back to sleep I turned my thoughts to the Lord, a silent cry.

Feeling every bit of my weakness I imagined myself standing on the edge of a cliff, surrendering, telling Him I wanted to jump, to let go and fall into Him.  

I saw what looked like a deep, spiraling black hole and for a moment fear clung to me.  

Yet as I landed in that deep darkness it was soft, velvet coated.  I knew then there was no where I could go where He wasn't, and burrowed in.

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight? If I climb to the sky, you’re there!     If I go underground, you’re there! If I flew on morning’s wings to the far western horizon, You’d find me in a minute—  you’re already there waiting!

Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark! At night I’m immersed in the light!” It’s a fact: darkness isn't dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you. Psalm 139:7-12 The Message

 

Joining Lisa-Jo where the word today is jump

 

Trying to remember dreams

In the pre-dawn silence I walked along the water's edge, shoe's in my hand, feeling the soft lapping of the waves upon my feet. The cold was a welcome contrast against the heavy stillness of the air.  Time seemed frozen there, on the empty beach as I waited for the morning sun to rise.  My eyes had grown accustomed to the lack of light, so as slivers of orange and red and gold began to break above the surface of the water I squinted against the brightness.

Stepping a few paces back from the water, I sat in the sand, watching the colourful display unfold.  Another morning was beginning, like the day before, and the next, an endless progression of days that seemed to hold no meaning.

“Things fall apart, the centre does not hold” I remembered reading somewhere, and the words fit the pattern of my thoughts, thoughts of a teenager indeed prone to over dramatizing, trying to fit my life into a poetry of sorts.

My eyes were dry and scratchy, the lack of rest cracking the corners.  One night?  Two?  More?  I couldn't remember the last time I felt the peace of sleep and so wanted to be overcome.

I had gone there alone to walk the shore, to wonder at the beauty, to find something I didn't know I was missing without knowing what that something was.  There is no treasure map to follow when you don't know what you're looking for.  My hands dug deep in the sand around where I sat, the grit of it caking under my fingernails, not chewed but picked at, leaving them sharp, short and uneven.  Sand sifted through hands that felt they could hold nothing and a heart that was learning not to try.

Then I spotted it, just an arms reach away, something catching the light in the sand.  A small piece of glass, worn smooth around the edges, a milky opaque green created by water, sand and time.  I placed it in the pocket of my jeans, rubbing it between my fingers and returned to walking the shoreline.

And all at once, there was the day, stretching out before me as I wondered, “what next?”

I was too young to have no purpose, no goals, nothing to aim at.  No course was set.  No wonder time seemed to stretch out endlessly, no scheduled separated the hours.

“I have nowhere to go and no one to be. Did I ever have a plan?”  At fourteen I paced the shoreline and tried to remember dreams.

 

joining Lisa-Jo for the word remember