One Word 2018 - Wait

not a word I would have chosen

not me, the mistress of impatience

who wants the answers

yesterday

to remain stationary in readiness or expectation

remain in readiness for a purpose

a word to unpack through 2018

as I seek health related answers

as I plan for transitions

as He reveals more

I will share

for now, this is

what He has given 

the cup of waiting

I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord; 

and He inclined to me and heard my cry.

Psalm 40:1 Amplified

New blog announcement

Yesterday I was offered an appointment on January 24th for Gamma Knife Radiosurgery to treat the acoustic neuroma that has robbed most of the hearing in my left ear.

When I was first diagnosed last year I sensed that God might want me to record my journey so that my trials might not be wasted and instead would help others travelling a similar road.

To that end, I have created a new blog titled Hearing Right.  Please feel free to walk with me there.

While you may...

Today I feel fragmented and scattered

my heart is listening:

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may

from To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time by Robert Herrick

and my spirit hears:

Seek, inquire for, and require the Lord

while He may be found

[claiming Him by necessity and by right];

call upon Him while He is near.

Isaiah 55:5 Amplified

and time stands still and runs away all at once

and I think that trust is often more like this fragile flower

than something hardened

and I will seek

and I will inquire for

and surely I require Him

for every choice, for every breath

and faith is the knowing

that He Is here

 

When you say "anything"

There are times we pray safe
"Lord, I'll do as you say, go where you send me"
as long as it fits our schedule
as long as we can understand His request

And there are times we pray dangerous
when we declare
"Lord, let Your will, not mine be done
glorify Yourself in my life
whatever it is you want from me
 I'll do anything"
and in that moment of surrender
we think we can imagine what anything might mean

but...
anything means anything

For now, the anything He has chosen
is for me to walk through a medical condition
I would not have expected
that creates the need for skull base and neuro surgery
this will entail much travel between home
and Saskatoon where my medical/surgical team will be based

Perhaps as a dear friend prayed for me on Sunday
this is more than a medical journey
but a mission as well
I will certainly be meeting many new people along the way

in the days, weeks and months to come
if He asks it of me
you may find me writing
about my journey through the trials of an acoustic neuroma
about consults, surgery and the recovery process

I ask for your patience
your questions
your grace
and for your prayers
that He indeed will be glorified
in the way I walk this out.


 

How can I not sing?

There have been rocky days and unsettled nights in our home, tension hovering in the air like the steam that rises over water just ready to boil.

We are facing updates or repairs to our water filtration system or an enormous investment in running rural water lines across the miles.

All at once I am faced with a variety of health issues, some minor, others more substantial.  Appointments are scheduled, prayers requested, and yet, fears linger.

Add to these, vehicle breakdowns and the need now to not repair, but likely purchase again, when we have only had mere months without car loan payments.

I am not foolish enough (though I would gladly be a fool for Christ) to watch these troubles piling precariously one on the other without some sense of uncertainty.  I would be a liar to claim I am free from trepidation.  It seems as though we have been stuck in a life size game of Jenga, waiting for the tower to topple.

In our daily verse email this morning God's message was unclouded:

Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. Remember that nothing is certain in this life. Ecclesiastes 7:14 NLT

He Is always
His thoughts and plans just beyond my grasp
and even when I am afraid
when my eyes don't see the light
He Is worthy to be praised

and through my mind rumble the words of a hymn by Eva Cassidy:

My life goes on in endless song
above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
that hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it's music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

Linking over at Peter's where the word today is jubilant

His words come back to me

This afternoon I received a call from the ear, nose and throat doctor that sent me for the MRI of my brain that I wrote about here. The imaging showed what he was looking for and what I had already suspected from my searches online.  I have an acoustic neuroma.  He said the usual treatment is to simply monitor these things, but he feels this is large enough that he is referring me to yet another doctor who has more knowledge and can better decide on treatment options - surgery seems the most likely.

This specialist is in Saskatoon, a good six hours drive away, so Rick and I will have to make it at least an overnight trip.  I don't know how long it will be before I know when my appointment is scheduled.

I feel a bit foggy, knowing I will need to be courageous and patient in waiting and also knowing that patience is a gift I have difficulty holding on to.

I'm reminded that the words the Lord gave to me for 2012 were courage - focus - trust.  With the year almost half over I re-read His message, humbled and awestruck and again in His hands.


 

Grounded

The following words Paul wrote to the Colossians are hidden in my heart and burst forth frequently from my lips:

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things Colossians 3:1-2 NIV

My spirit takes wing to abide with my Lord
yet still here
I live in a suit of flesh
flawed, imperfect
inflamed
a weight that anchors me

While I await the results of yesterday's MRI that might explain my hearing issues
I shall move on to new adventures in health

tomorrow I see the surgeon about a fatty tumor on my backside
the lump that bruises from my recumbent cycle seat
the lump that feels discomfort when I lie down
the lump that has been a part of me for most of my adult life...

don't imagine a pea
or an egg
we're talking softball size here

I'm not sure what the next step is
must trust that God will give wisdom
to the hands He has trained to heal

I breathe deep
trying to take in faith
and release apprehension

Tomorrow I will know, perhaps
if and when surgery is scheduled
but I am willing
more than willing
to allow myself to serve
as a sign and wonder
to be His miracle if that is His desire
a signpost pointing
from my imperfection
to Him
perfect in glory

 Gathering here with Jennifer





and Emily where you can read more about her new book Chasing Silhouettes: How to Help a Loved One Battling an Eating Disorder, available for pre-order.


 

Less of me

Twelve years ago
I surrendered
to the Son of God/Son of Man

The small, hard pebble
that was my heart
softened and swelled as He entered

good, this is good indeed
my spirit heard His approval

Then the flesh
surrounding the pliable heart
softened and swelled also

twelve years on
my spirit has learned to submit
while my flesh has run wild

Yesterday, in exercise and praise
I was singing a familiar chorus
"more of You and less of me"
and my spirit vibrated
a resounding "yes"

I am getting ready
to be ready
to jump when He says jump
seeking lightness
the ability to fly
when He gives me wings

In all ways of the spirit
I have tried to live the words of John
now I resolve, with the strength of Christ
in a tangible, physical sense
"I will decrease"

He must increase, but I must decrease.

[He must grow more prominent;

I must grow less so.]

John 3:30 Amplified