His words come back to me

This afternoon I received a call from the ear, nose and throat doctor that sent me for the MRI of my brain that I wrote about here. The imaging showed what he was looking for and what I had already suspected from my searches online.  I have an acoustic neuroma.  He said the usual treatment is to simply monitor these things, but he feels this is large enough that he is referring me to yet another doctor who has more knowledge and can better decide on treatment options - surgery seems the most likely.

This specialist is in Saskatoon, a good six hours drive away, so Rick and I will have to make it at least an overnight trip.  I don't know how long it will be before I know when my appointment is scheduled.

I feel a bit foggy, knowing I will need to be courageous and patient in waiting and also knowing that patience is a gift I have difficulty holding on to.

I'm reminded that the words the Lord gave to me for 2012 were courage - focus - trust.  With the year almost half over I re-read His message, humbled and awestruck and again in His hands.


 

Surfacing...

I was hit hard
blindsided by pain
dragged down by some unknown virus
submerged

Unable to concentrate
focus blurred
words scurried away
even my prayers mere groanings

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.  Romans 8:26 The Message

I am just now
surfacing
breathing in fresh air
allowing Him to renew my strength

Posts that were partly done, half done, almost done will appear here shortly.  If their order seems choppy, so were the seas I've been sailing on this week.

 

Where am I looking?

I sat quietly with the Lord early watching the snow falling soft in the dim waking light.

He wanted to know if I would fix my eyes upon Him or upon my troubles.

"Upon You, of course" was my quick reply.  I'm not sure if I heard Him laugh.

The day grew light, snow continued to fall, exceeding the forcasts, and though beautiful, it spoke of potential dangers.

I have found joy in finding myself beginning to form an fitness habit again since we now have a recumbent exercise cycle in the basement that we purchased for an excellent price.  It was reduced due to the fact that the person who first tried to assemble it stripped the threads on the pedal crank.  It was returned to the store in Winnipeg where it was purchased, fixed by welding the pedal on permanently, and sold to another resaler in a town nearby.  This is where we found it.  If the only problem was a pedal that was welded so it couldn't be removed, well, that wasn't a problem at all!

Silly to think that anything is permanent...

Yesterday the pedal began to wiggle.  Today it has broken off.  Problem.

I decided to try some strength training floorwork instead.  Ouch!  The floor is too hard, my body too stiff, the lump on my backside too sore.  Problem.

I'd like to make plans to travel South to spend time with Mom but still await the scheduling of medical tests of my own.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem.

And now I truly do believe I hear His charming snicker and I remember His pre-dawn question, and I'm fixing my eyes, fixing my heart, casting it all upon Him.

Sharing with Jennifer and feeling the God-Bumps

and sweet loving Emily and the others imperfect but loved

 

Words for 2012 Courage-Focus-Trust

It has become a habit as a new year begins to seek the Lord for a word or scripture to centre my spirit upon.  Not sure if what I was sensing was indeed from Him, I sat down and spent some quiet moments in His presence, journal open, pen in hand.

Lord, this calendar year is drawing quickly to an end - is there something You want to share?  I sense the word You are giving me for 2012 is three in one -courage, focus, trust.  Have I heard You or my own thoughts?

We have grown so close this year, little one, that often your thoughts are My thoughts.

Yes - believe that, even if it makes you pause.  The desire for oneness comes as you abide.

It will take more courage than you have before exercised to stand strong in what you believe in the days ahead.  The enemy of your soul will try to convince you there is too much on the line, but if you are with Me, I Am with you, so none can truly be against you, no matter what it looks like.

I will hone your focus.  What seems like scattered flames will be drawn together into a raging fire of purpose and passion.  Continue to look through My eyes.  pay heed to what you see and worry not about what you don't see.  You will not need to search for things to spend your time and efforts on; I shall set in clear sight those things I require of you.  Like Moses' bush, they shall blaze too brightly to ignore.

And trust, little one, always that I Am here, around you, within you.  You are not stepping out alone.  You are correct to place no trust in your flesh, but -- you can trust the Me in you.

You have some far.  There is yet far to go.

Jamming with Bonnie about our words for 2012


and relishing His touch with Jennifer

 

Back to work / wings

Courage. Focus. Trust.

Three words stacked, shuffled, played again and again in my spirit.

November was a frenzy of word output in the midst of the chaos of life and when I had met the goal to reach 50,000 words I set my novel aside and granted myself sabbath, the month of December to be still through advent and rejoice in Christmas.  Now December draws to a swift end.

As the new year begins I must begin again, with courage, focus, trust and with perseverance.

Here's another little bite of what I've been cooking:

Jessie opened her Bible again to read:

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

“I like sparrows” she thought “they’re small like me, at least I feel small. But this keeps telling me not to worry, just like the calm voice tells me.” She closed the book, resting her chin on her hand, thinking about small birds and wings and wondering if God counts feathers too.
Johnny interrupted her thoughts, placing a steaming dinner plate in front of her, saying “Wings for my Angel with wings.”

“What??” she chirped, astonished.

“You said surprise you, what’s the matter. You don’t like wings?”

“How do you do that?” she asked him, starting to laugh, shaking her head.

“Do what? What did I do now?” Johnny looked confused.

“Well, God must like to talk through you or something. When I dreamed about fruit you offered me fresh fruit. Now this.”

“What? What? I still don’t get it.”

“I was just reading where God takes care of me and loves me more than sparrows, and I was sitting here thinking of feathers and wings…”

Johnny slapped his hand down hard on the table and released a loud roar of laughter. “And here I come with a big plate of wings. That is strange. Kind of scary if you ask me.”

“I think God just wants us to know He’s paying attention” Jessie answered. “And by the way, I do like wings, and these smell wonderful.”

"Weird, that’s what I say” Johnny pointed his thumb toward Bobbie. “We’ve gotta tell Roberta and see what she says about all this. Weird.”

Jessie didn’t answer for a moment. Her mouth was too full, savouring the taste of lemon, garlic and oregano on the wings. “Why should I be surprised that you’d make Greek wings?” she laughed.

“Hey Johnny” Bobbie called from the table where she had seated the couple with the wet umbrellas. “These nice folks said whatever it is you just brought out that smells so good, that’s what they want too.”

“Wings” Johnny said. “Greek wings. Anyone else want some?”
Hands went up around the room.

“Alright then, you got ‘em. Wings all around” he said, disappearing back into his kitchen.

As Jessie ate she let her mind wander, seeing wings and feathers and heads covered with hairstyles of all shapes and colours. The anxiety of the afternoon drained away.

“I’m not sure why I feel so peaceful all of a sudden” she spoke silently “but thank You.”

That’s My peace, and thank you for realizing it was Me.” The voice was strong, kind and clear. It almost felt like she could wrap it around her shoulders.