When you have nothing to believe in, life does not have a center. All things are possible yet all things are meaningless. This is the void where I lived, in so deep I didn't even notice. My days as a personal trainer were filled with fitness clients, most of whom I saw in their homes. My evenings were scheduled full with exercise classes that I either taught or enjoyed as a participant. Nights were occupied with my true addiction, sexual affirmation. All were gift wrapped in the smoke of three packs of menthol cigarettes a day.
“Life is good” I would tell my friends, “I'm having the time of my life.” I relished the feel of my body; lean and fit and sensitive to the slightest touch of a man's hand. If something did manage to creep in to upset me or cause me to feel anything unpleasant, I would run to the arms of a stranger, or the bed of a recreational friend. The overload of physical sensation would numb my emotions. It was a routine I had followed for so long it had worn deep grooves in my thought patterns, like a ball in a maze that always ran the same paths. Of course I seemed to feel good, for I was always in the process of taking the edges off my feelings.
I began to read books about living for the moment. “Be here now” was a motto that seem to fit my life. This sort of quasi Zen Buddhist philosophy became very attractive to me, someone who could hardly think past the end of the day. Being aware of each moment as I lived it seemed like something I could do.
I controlled my food intake. I controlled my clients exercise plans. I controlled my heart rate during aerobic workouts. I controlled how close to me I would allow someone to come. I never consciously thought about how much I wanted to give up that control.
In God's perfect timing, He reached out in a way that captured me, and I relinquished the control I had fought so hard to maintain. The days, months and years since have been a journey of surrender.
The life that awaits me is built around listening to and obeying His plans, trusting that He knows each curve in the road. I pray that in my submission He will be glorified.
jamming with Bonnie