I was, I am Sara Jayne

Yesterday, in response to Emily's word prompt food I wrote about a young girl named Sara Jayne. Comments I received touched a place deep inside:

Kelly wrote:

i would love to scoop up that little Sara Jayne and whisper in her ear that she is lovely and loved. that she is not only her body, but that she can rise above all that her body holds her to by holding a firmer Hand. one that never lets go.
this is how to fly.

and Elizabeth said:

So so tender. I pray for healing for the spirit of this child and those who share this place of pain. Gently AND beautifully told. Thank you for calling to mind these places we go as humans of missing how much we are loved by him, right where we are. 

Yes, the words reached straight into my wounded soul and it astounds me how much shame I feel in admitting that though her name is fiction, her story is mine.

when there appeared to be no way out

caught in a vertiginous cycle of hating self

driven by hungers nothing could quench

grasping anything that might be approval

validation or love

He Was, He watched, He waited

There is a love that surpasses dreams

in His perfect timing

my eyes could see

and I fell breathless into His embrace

today I pray

don't let me wander far

or look for anything but Him

to satisfy the aching, reaching empty place

He designed to occupy with Himself

may I never lose this hunger

this wanting more of Him

 

Food was not the answer

The smaller Sara Jayne felt in the world, the larger her body became.  In food she found flavour and comfort and distraction.  When she was frustrated, pretzels, chips and crackers provided crunch and snap and salt.  When she was hurting,  favourite tastes would numb the pain.  When she was bored, there was always something she could do, eat!

When would she be big enough to be noticed?  But no one saw her, they only saw the rolls of excess flesh.  “If onlys” were the background music of her thoughts. If only I was not so fat then people would like me.  If only I was prettier I might find a real boyfriend.  If only I had lots of friends it would make my mother happy.  The “if onlys” seemed impossible to attain, and thinking about them called forth sadness, and the sadness was swallowed with mouthfuls of more food.

If only I was smaller, then I would be like everyone else and then I could fit in.  The desperate cry of a lonely heart.  Perhaps Sara Jayne was never intended to fit in, but to stand out, however she had no understanding of this truth.  She only wanted to know what normal felt like.  She would lie across her bed and wonder what it would be like to live in a thin body, how different her bones would feel against the mattress, or to walk without her thighs rubbing against each other until the skin was swollen and raw, to be able to run free without feeling the weight of her flesh dragging her toward the ground.

Sara Jayne's spirit was as heavy as her body.  There had been nothing that could teach her how to fly.

walking with Emily and the broken but beloved

 

Submitting my enigmas

As a way of observing this Lenten period I am daily reading through Jesus sermon on the mount.  It is fitting then that this weeks chapter of The Furious Love of God steps right into the middle of the Beatitudes.

In the words of Hans Urs Von Balthasar:

Blessed are not the enlightened whose every question has been answered and who are delighted with their own sublime insight, the mature and ripe ones whose one remaining action is to fall from the tree. Blessed, rather, are the chased, the harassed who must daily stand before my enigmas and cannot solve them.

I am not blessed by the quantity of quality of my knowledge.  My blessing comes not from what I know, but Who I know.

I don't want to lean on my own understanding.  I want to give up, give in, surrender to His work, His will, His way.  Jason Gray sings my heart in the song For The First Time Again

I'm tired of the sound of my own voice
And I'm weary of adding to the noise
And I'm fearful of missing the point of it all

 In my limited wisdom it would be easy to miss where God is leading me, I pray that each day I would submit all of my unsolved enigmas to Him.

joining the discussion today at Jason's

 

Narrow path

There are two paths before you; 

you may take only one path. 

One doorway is narrow. And one door is wide.

Go through the narrow door. 

For the wide door leads to a wide path, 

and the wide path is broad; 

the wide, broad path is easy, 

and the wide, broad, easy path has many, many people on it; 

but the wide, broad, easy, crowded path leads to death. 

Now then that narrow door leads to a narrow road 

that in turn leads to life. 

It is hard to find that road. 

Not many people manage it. 

Matthew 7:13-14 The Voice

Joining the Sunday sighs at Deidra's

 

Step out of the traffic

Step out of the traffic! 

Take a long, loving look at me, 

your High God, 

above politics, above everything.

Psalm 46:10 The Message

Let be and be still, 

and know 

(recognize and understand) 

that I am God. 

I will be exalted among the nations! 

I will be exalted in the earth! 

Psalm 46:10 Amplified

Hearing His call to draw away 

from the noise, the rush

anything I try to hold too tightly

breathing in, out

releasing to the knowing

 

in the quiet with Sandy

in the secret place with Cheryl

 

He Is enough

It's all around me.
people walking through pain and discontent
hearts broken, bleeding, filling with confusion.
desperate, lonely, frightened
grasping for something
and finding only air

So many times the past few weeks
I have heard the same refrain

I have nothing, nothing at all, nothing but Jesus

and I recall words I wrote when I was surrounded by the poverty of Uganda
looking at smiles that gleamed as spirits thrived

When God is all there is then God is enough. 

If anything else is placed above Him, then nothing is enough. 

He is, as He says in His Word, a jealous God, 

and He will have no other gods before Him. 

I find myself in prayer,weeping
yet even then rejoicing
for all those who have nothing left
for I know Jesus Is there
arms open, waiting
and He Is enough

 

jumping late into the jam with Bonnie where the word is Jesus


 

Not for the whole

I cherish my early morning communion with Jesus, I find light, hope, peace and joy as I open my journal and my heart, asking what He would like to share:

I Am not looking for perfection

No, I tell you I delight in your need

For just as I told My early critics 

I came not for the healthy but for the sick

I came not for the whole but the broken

I came to heal your wounds

to fill your emptiness

to restore your sight

and give you freedom

Let Me be your strength

Let Me be your joy

Let Me be your everything.

For this I came

For this I died

For this I rose again

walking with Emily and the imperfect but loved

 

What is it to believe?

Do I really believe Jesus Is Who He says He Is?
Do I believe the Word that He embodied?
In this week's chapter I read:

Believing is living as though John 15:4 is true. 

ABIDE IN ME, AND I IN YOU. AS THE BRANCH CANNOT BEAR FRUIT OF ITSELF UNLESS IT ABIDES IN THE VINE, SO NEITHER CAN YOU UNLESS YOU ABIDE IN ME.

His voice, quiet, calm, ever calls me
to exchange my life, wretched as it may be
for new life, found in abiding
where He has all, Is all
in that secret place
resting in the shadow of His wings
shelter of His love
where I no longer live
but He lives in me

joining the link up at Sarah's today


 

Digging in

I have grown fat

on a diet rich

with disappointments

learned to crave bitter

the salt of too many tears

cracked lips, tongue

till sweet almost slipped away

lost to memory

so I'm letting go

of those one notes

seeing the need for parfaits

layers of flavour

stripes of hope

cool to a fevered brow

spices to entice, delight

awaken a heart turned ice jagged

give me a long thin silver spoon

I'm digging in deep 

Talking about letting go at Peter's where the word is disappointments

and joining the poetry jam about stripes

 

Shine

As part of observing this Lenten season, I have joined Chris Smith and others in 40 days of reading Jesus Sermon on the Mount - Matthew Chapters 5 through 7.

Some days I have read, other days I listen to audio. I have attempted to vary Bible versions daily to taste the differing flavours and nuances hidden in the words, always praying that God would speak His truth into my mind, heart and spirit.

And the frosty light of early morning sparkled on the snow:

You are like that illuminating light. 

Let your light shine everywhere you go, 

that you may illumine creation, 

so men and women everywhere 

may see your good actions, 

may see creation at its fullest, 

may see your devotion to Me, 

and may turn and praise your Father in heaven because of it.  

Matthew 5:16 The Voice

 

Blessed

You’re blessed when you care. 

At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ 

you find yourselves cared for. 

Matthew 5:7 The Message

 

singing in Deidra's Sunday choir

 

searching

Nothing gives rest 

but the sincere search for truth.

Blaise Pascal

 

Resting in Him with Sandy

Feeling His heartbeat

When I first met the Lord and surrendered my life into His hands I was overjoyed.  He loved me enough to give His life for me.  This was good news, good news indeed!  So began a honeymoon season with my new King.  It was a time of celebrating and thanking Him for all He had done for me and looking forward to the life He had waiting for me.

Are you noticing a theme here?  My relationship with God was all about me.  When the honeymoon ended I was able to move into a time of wanting to know Jesus for Who He Is and not only what He could do for me.  I prayed that I would feel His heartbeat.  It was a prayer He was more than willing to answer.

The following scriptures came alive, piercing through my selfish spirit.

Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’ Matthew 25:40 The Message

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you James 1:27 NLT

The Voice, a song by Lianna Klassen combined Isaiah's words:

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”  Isaiah 6:8 NIV

with words spoken by missionary in Ecuador Jim Elliot:

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose 

The melody echoed in my mind and the words quaked in my heart. The Lord had indeed listened to my prayer and continued to answer.  I had the following dream that I recorded in my journal:

The Lord, my Lord said “Walk with Me. Walk with Me” 

and I said “but Lord I’m tired” 

and He kept calling “walk with Me” 

“But I’m tired Lord” 

“Walk with Me – I’ll take your burden. My yoke is easy, My burden is light” 

and so we walked – through sewers - and starving people were everywhere and forever 

 but He said all they needed was to know Him 

He was there for them, He died for them. They only need to know Him. 

“Walk with me”

I was broken, yet somehow felt more whole than ever before.  The blood that was shed for me flows through my veins.  This life is not about me, but about what He might do through me to touch others.

Sponsor a Child

We chose Compassion as a sponsorship program because of their focus on not only providing help, but doing all in the name of Jesus!  I ask that you would take some time to inquire of the Lord, ask Him in what ways He may be calling you to get involved as His hands and feet in this world.

 

He first loved us

The Gospel can be summed up by saying that it is the tremendous, tender, 

compassionate, gentle, extraordinary, explosive, revolutionary revelation of Christ’s love. 

Catherine de Hueck Doherty - The Gospel Without Compromise

We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. 

First we were loved, now we love. 

He loved us first.

  1 John 4:19 The Message

His love

crazy, passionate, unceasing love

flows in these veins

we were made for this

to walk as His heart on solid ground

leaving His imprint

where we touch, He touches

light shining to glorify His name

for this we were formed

to this we are called

witnesses, testaments 

to a love greater than all love

talking about His love at Jason's

walking with Emily in all my imperfection

jamming with Bonnie

 

after taste

I have no talent

for delicacy

my cakes are sugar coated

not my opinions

I am better built to mince meat

than words

my feet are long, heavy

you know I never could walk

on eggshells

without leaving a trail 

of destruction

so I crack with intention

whisking in fresh air

adding leaven, spice, sweet

the resulting treat

has substance

layered perhaps with contradictions

but genuine

with the lingering after taste

of truth

Hanging out at the pub for Open Link Night

 

Roof raking

Rick is out clearing snow off the roof of the house

The rake looks like a small push shovel 

on the end of an extra long expandable pole

He reaches up and out, then pulls

and the pile up of snow that weighs heavy on our home 

pours down like rain

blowing in the wind

a blizzard of his own making

leaves me pondering 

how often we avoid the cleaning

how the very storms that frighten us

are the same as those that clear the path 

for a brighter coming day

I sense that God is speaking here 

and again I feel the call 

to surrender to His hand

to whatever work He chooses to do 

in me, through me, around me

refining through snow, or wind or fire

may I bow low, my only cry

"not my will, but Yours be done, Lord"

 

Much fruit

When you produce much fruit, 

you are my true disciples. 

This brings great glory to my Father.  

John 15:8 NLT

joining Deidra and the Sunday seekers