As I have shared, with the failing health of both of my parents, I am going through a time of trials and testing. The voices of siblings, the world and my flesh compete for attention with the voice of guilt screamed out at me by the enemy of my soul.
Needing to know when I should travel home to help my mother left me anxious, tired and emotional. My choice (the choice of my flesh) would be to stay home, holding fast to my own life. Wise and loving friends advised me to act as God called, giving no attention to guilt, no matter how loudly that voice resounded.
My desire always is to follow the leading of my Lord, but I was not truly taking the time to listen, for I was afraid I might put my words in His mouth. Last week, I finally sat down to the following journaling session and offered that fear to Him --
Lord God, I so want to hear Your voice – I so need to hear Your voice. I feel lost and afraid that I have lost my grip on You. I have been reluctant to come away to this place with You, not because I fear what You will say, but rather that I would misinterpret, manipulate or some other way distort Your words so that I might hear what I already believe instead of Your heart and Your truth.
Pour out your heart, child.
I am afraid to begin, as if once started I could not stop, or that there is something so ugly waiting to come out. I have censors always on guard, judging my own thoughts and feelings.
Again I say, pour out your heart, little one, and I will do the sorting and sifting. You may not trust yourself or your feelings, and that is right, that is good, that is what I have taught you –
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV
But can you trust Me? Can you trust the unconditional love that I Am?
I want to trust Your love Lord and release all that I am, broken and poured out before You, so what’s stopping me? Why can’t I begin?
Are you afraid to discover you’re not who you think you are? Trust that I know, even when you do not. And who you are is loved and chosen. Who you are is more, not less than you imagine. Who you are has limitless capacity for you are Mine, and all that I Am is available to you.
What a loving God. His words are deep comfort for my restless heart. He longs to speak into the spirits of His children. Have you taken the time to listen today?